Pick Two To Defend You, The Rest Are Coming To Kill You - Old School NBA Edition
First let me just start this blog by saying how happy I am to see shit like this back on the internet. I can’t tell you how many ridiculous fake teams I built with those $20 salary cap hypotheticals and the debates that came out of the 6/12/18/24 challenge is what Dave Portnoy invented the internet for.
The OG animal version of this question was blogged as a thesis by YP and I’m pretty sure all 100 of Barstool’s podcasts added their 2 cents.
As for the NBA question at hand, I’m obviously building my squad around the Oakman. Yeah you only get one Charles Oakley, but the thing is you only NEED one Charles Oakley in any fight. And I swear this isn’t a homer pick because Oak is my favorite player or because he wanted to beat the shit out of my least favorite person on Earth either. Charles Oakley simply enjoys beating the snot out of people. There are more stories of Oak’s toughness and badassery than the other 8 guys in this picture combined.
I would take Oak as my Liam Neeson, keep the change, and let everyone else gun for us. But the question is Pick TWO to defend me. So if I only have one guy defending me, albeit the baddest motherfucker on the planet, I need to make sure I nail the 2nd pick.
34 Chris Childses seems nice until you realize he couldn’t even take down Kobe with 2 clean shots to the face.
Again, 27 Matt Barneses is a quantity over quality thing. I’ve never seen someone flinch less at a ball fake then this.
Shit, Kobe was kind of a badass, huh? Anyway, if someone eats your ball fake like this AND an ex-teammate steals your wife, you are off my list. 23 James Poseys don’t move the needle for me at all. I remember him getting into some nonsense with Kirk Hinrich and Luol Deng, which again does nothing for me.
The X Man was a bad ass dude back in the day with a great nickname, and in this picture an even better wardrobe. Don’t discount a great nickname or uniform making a guy a better fighter. Getting 15 X-Men wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. If Bill Laimbeer is defending me, that probably means I will be stuck talking with him all hours of the day. I feel like I would grow to hate his ass real quick and my one Charles Oakley would probably end up killing at least 4 of my 12 Laimbeers before anyone else even showed up.
8 Captain Jacks and 5 Ron Artests is like having a rocket launcher in COD or Fortnite. They may not have the most ammunition in them, but they are absolutely wrecking shit until they are all gone. These two also have game tape of being willing to murder fans because of a thrown cup. They can defend me any day of the week.
Obligatory full Malice at the Palace video:
And of course you have 3 Anthony Masons, Oakley’s partner in crime in countless battles while keeping Patrick Ewing upright during the old rough and tumble days of the NBA despite having two knees that stopped working in about 1991. Putting 3 Mases and 1 Oak together would definitely be a risky move, but I think their years of experience together could actually take on the 124 old school NBA players with bad intentions. You can’t teach the lessons learned having each others backs during the wars in the paint against the Davis Boys. Give me these 4 members of the old Orange & Blue Wrecking Crew and bring on the rest of these roody poo candy asses.
But in the end, this blog is for the Stoolies. So vote on which two old school NBA players you would choose below.
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